Realising I’ve made it

It’s funny… I’m looking back at old Facebook statuses and old photos from 6/7 years ago… And I still quite can’t believe that was me. I went through that.

Despite my positiveness and awful attempts at humour at the age of 15/16… I was in a dark place. Both physically and mentally. I think the fact that my life was on full on go-go-go mode being transported 2 and from hospital at least once a week for almost over a year… It kept me kind of sane. I didn’t have time to stop and process my thoughts. I was either in the operating theatre, having multiple blood tests and numerous cannulas fitted, or just trying to recover from a seriously bad episode.

Being on the go all the time, helped for a while. I couldn’t feel sad. I couldn’t show weakness mentally. I had to be positive, I had to make jokes. I had to persevere and cope as best I could. It was the only thing I could do.

Although it helped, it meant that there was a backlog of negativity, sadness and lowness just waiting to burst out.

And it did.

When everything slowed down, and physically I gradually ever so slightly recovered from the operations and the treatments.

I had time to think. Finally.

But now the real fight began. I wasn’t fighting for my life anymore. I was fighting for my mental health.

And it was scary. It was dark. And if I’m honest, it was much harder to fight compared to the physical fight I had.

It went on for a few years.. Slowly getting worse and worse. Until I broke down proper a couple of years back.

Fortunately, I had a great support around me. My friends, my neighbours, my family. All were there for me. Just as they was when I was fighting my physical illness.

With their support, their encouragement and motivation, I got the help I needed. I was able to channel and let out all those negative feelings. The stress, the anger, the anxiety that had built up inside of me whilst I was being pulled and poked physically.

One of the thoughts I had, which stayed with me for a while. And I always knew it was in the back of my mind when I was on the go. I just tried to acknowledge it, was the following:

“Will I ever be normal?”

I don’t like the term “normal”. I mean, what is “normal”? Average? Nah. I don’t want to be average that’s boring.

What I meant by “normal” in this circumstance is that I wondered whether I’d ever live a life like everyone else.

I remember thinking…. Will I ever know a life outside of the hospital? Will I finish school? Will I get a job/career? Will I be able to drive? Will I be able to go out and socialise with friends? Will I go on dates? Will I find someone special to be in a relationship with?

Just simple things like that, that most people take for granted.

I was really doubtful about all of this. The first time I first started doubting, I had multiple tubes in my stomach and in my arms. I was also bed bound and in so much pain and discomfort.

A life didn’t seem possible.

BUT.

I fought. I battled through. I strided my way past the physical challenges and got myself out with just one small tube in my stomach (which I’ve learnt to live with) and I pushed myself through the mental challenges..

And you know what?

I’ve made it. What seemed impossible a few years ago, I have achieved most of it. I am living my dream life. I’m in a job I love with the most amazing colleagues, I was taking driving lessons (stopped because of corona 🙄), Ive had so many socialising occasions the past few years with my incredible friends and family, oh and I’m in a relationship and we are soon to be celebrating our 1 year. ❤️

Do I hate what I had to go through before getting to where I am now? No.

Because its made me who I am today. A fighter who doesn’t back down. I’ve learnt from the past. And I think it’s made me a better person. And I am grateful that I now have a much clearer head and I know what direction I am going in now.

If anyone is wondering why I decided to write this post and how this has all suddenly popped up in my head it’s because I’ve been listening to the following… When I listen to it I think of the words relating to me and my illness. 😊

Its Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter” (please click on link below)