Learning to Dance in the rain

Its the quote we all know and love! Well I think so anyway….. ๐Ÿ˜‚

As you can probably tell by my previous post, I haven’t been in the best of moods recently.

I honestly can’t fully explain why I feel that way. I don’t know what triggers it. It just happens. Some days I wake up and I just feel horrible. I lose confidence in myself. I feel like giving up is the only option. It’s like there’s a black cloud over my head. Eventually I get over it though… and I found that as the day went on yesterday. I suddenly saw things in a brighter, positive way.

I hate having moments like that though. And I feel embarrassed about bringing it up. It’s been such a taboo subject for so long. It’s only recently that people have been opening up about mental health. I’m starting to open up about how I’m feeling to people I know now. I’m starting to realise that talking about how I’m feeling is a good thing. It does help having a cry and getting things off your chest!

And I think the big thing I’ve realised recently is that it is okay to have these low moments! I’m human! Emotions are normal!

The quote I’ve shared with you today is true! Life isn’t about sitting and waiting for the storm to pass…. it is about learning to embrace and dance in the rain!!

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Low spell

  • I’m having a low spell this morning. I’m going to just get straight to the point and say that instead of suffering in silence, I’m going to list a few things I’m thinking/feeling right now;
    • I want to speak to someone but at the same time I don’t (I clam up)
    • I feel like giving up
    • I’m useless
    • I’m not smart
    • I’m rubbish at my job
    • I’m an attention seeker
    • I feel like pushing everyone I know away because I feel like it would be best for them
    • I feel like someone no one wants to be around
    • I feel like throwing everything I’ve achieved recently away
    • I just want to sleep and cry
    • I want to hide
    • I’m not a good person
    • My mind feels like a set of tangled ear phones
    • My head hurts
    • I can’t control these thoughts
    • I can’t stop these thoughts
    • It’s taking over me and there’s nothing I can do
    • I know I’m in a good place right now (things going well for me at the moment) but I still feel so sad
    • I’m confused.
    • I want help but I don’t know what to say
    • What if I waste people’s time by talking/ranting to them?

    Hope at last and … Gangnam style?

    I’m a few days late but this post is going to be about what happened this month 6 years ago..

    I think the easiest way is to share my statuses and explain them the best I can, so first of all, here are my facebook statuses from March 2013… (By the way – I did have the exact date for each of these but I’ve lost them๐Ÿ˜‚ but they are in order! Haha)

    So… this status above. For some reason, in my head they discovered my stomach was large in September 2012 … but by this status, maybe they discovered it later on down the line…

    I remember having the tube inserted during x-ray (I was awake). They had to do it under x-ray because of the shape and size of my stomach. It wasn’t pleasant to say the least!

    And yes… by this point I was very well known in the x-Ray department. As soon as I arrived I didn’t even have to say my name – they knew me so well and just was like “hey Katie!”๐Ÿ˜‚.

    It was also by this point, where I’d had enough of having time of school… I was bored and missing my friends. I was also missing normality.

    And this is where Gangnam style comes in… ah. This story still makes me chuckle๐Ÿ˜‚.

    So… yeah. Also this status also mentions the time when my surgeon and his team ‘discovered the problem’ – which again, in my mind I thought that was discovered in September 2012 … obviously not๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ˜‚. But then again, this may have been an additional problem?๐Ÿค”

    So they found that by inserting a balloon inside of me… they could open up the top stomach valve which was almost so tightly shut .. so much so food was struggling to go down.

    I remember being wheeled back to my ward after being in recovery and seeing my surgeon and his team standing outside my door… all smiling at me and my dad. It was weird … but a good weird….

    When I find out why they were standing outside and what they had discovered – it felt like a massive relief! I was so happy that there was a reason as to why I had been struggling the way I had been – it wasn’t my fault! There was a problem there! And this problem could now possibly be solved!

    Oh and the ‘Gangnam style’ situation …. I can still, to this day see my surgeon and his team dancing around the operating table to it…

    I remember this PH Test… I had that tube down one nostril and my feeding tube down the other nostril … it was like my nose was a bloody charging socket! ๐Ÿคฃ

    I can’t actually remember the results of this test … I just remember how uncomfortable it felt..

    Am I a failure?

    Today I am having an off day. I am not feeling too good. I had a rough night, tossing and turning and feeling sick and just not myself. I am also in quite a bit of pain with my knee (which is a bit odd as I’ve never had problems with my legs/knees before – I think it’s because I’m moving around a lot more because of my job, so it’s been a bit of a shock to my body!)

    When I feel ill and not quite myself, I tend to feel quite low. Negative thoughts go over and over in my head. One of the big negative thoughts that I get is ‘Am I a failure?’ I know that sounds quite … deep? But it’s what I think. I think I’m failing in keeping up with that strong persona of mine.

    I know I’m a strong person, I’ve had to be throughout my life really. But there are moments where I feel weak. Like, I can’t fight the battle I am facing. I feel like giving up. I feel like loosing the battle is the only thing I can do. I haven’t got the energy to fight this illness or whatever.

    It does also make me wonder how I’m going to cope in the future. If I’m having these thoughts now, if I’m struggling now, I wonder wether I’ll be able to adapt to changes coming to me in my life. Because there is a lot of new developments on their way. Will I be able to keep strong whilst I adapt to these new things? I hope so.

    Life is full of constant changes. There’s no way I can stop that. I think I’m still trying to adapt to the fact that I can do a hell of of a lot of things now. I’m not bed-bound all the time, I’m not seriously ill in a critical condition.

    I have a job, I go out with friends, I’ve even started dating. There’s so many new, ‘normal’ (again… I don’t like the word normal but it’s the only word I can think of๐Ÿ˜‚) , exciting changes going on. I’m slowly getting used to the fact that I am able to live a life now. I just wish I could adapt to these changes quicker….

    Confidence

    First of all I’d just like to say … again … I’m sorry it’s been so long.

    Mentally I haven’t been in the right frame of mind. And I’ve been trying to decide and prioritise certain things in my life. I’ve been trying to focus on the things that mean something to me in hopes that it will take my mind off the thoughts in my head.

    I’ve recently realised I need help. Help to understand what I’ve been through and what I’m going through. And I’ve went on to get that help.

    The last few weeks have been a bit rocky but more recently I’ve started to feel more positive again. One of the things I struggle with is confidence. Confidence in myself. Mentally and physically.

    Physically, my main worry is the way my stomach looks. It’s not necessarily to do with the scars. (Which a lot of people assume is the main worry). I’ve always had a scar on my stomach. I’m used to them. It’s the shape of my stomach. The way it sticks out on one side.

    Due to the amount of major surgery I’ve had – I’ve now got no stomach muscle on my left side meaning my stomach has a ‘hernia’ effect to it. It sticks out more than usual.

    I do wear support sometimes – mainly when I wear dresses or if I’m really bloated. But not always, as it does get a bit uncomfortable. A little while back at work, I was asked if I was “having a baby”. Now you’d probably think I’d be offended … but I wasn’t. In fact I found it bloody hilarious! (sorry for the language) I think it’s because I always thought I look pregnant – because from a certain angle it does look like I have a bump. And even though I found it funny at the time – overall Its made me wonder what people actually think. Like, if I was to walk around in one of those crop tops or something – clearly showing off my stomach – what would people think? Would they be disgusted? Would they feel sorry for me? What would they think?

    I don’t know why but I think one thing that I think will help me with my confidence with regards to my stomach, is if I shared a photo of it. Just so it’s out there. I guess part of me is hoping that someone else with a similar stomach to mine (I know everyone is unique and different so won’t be exact) will pop up and maybe give me some advice.

    So yeah, here it is –

    It’s probably the most flattering angle I could find๐Ÿ˜‚. I’m sorry the quality isn’t great – my phone is rubbish. But yeah. That’s my stomach๐Ÿ˜‚. I also think it’ll be interesting to show anyone reading this who have read/know of my story an actual physical representation of what I’ve been through.

    Also, I’m sorry if some of this doesn’t make sense – I’m a little bit tired haha.

    Itโ€™s been a while….

    Hello!

    Wow, it’s been a while hasn’t it? My last post was at the beginning of November I think. I’m sorry it’s been so long. There’s been quite big changes in my life recently.

    So, where do I start? Well… I guess the biggest change in my life is the fact that I am now working! Yes! I did it! I manage to find and secure a job! It’s perfect for me too as it’s an admin role. I’m working in a school office. I’m going to be honest, I didn’t quite realise how challenging it would be. It’s made me appreciate even more all the staff who worked in the school offices in the schools and college that I have attended as a student.

    I’ve completed 3 and a half weeks there (I’m currently off for the Christmas holidays). All the staff I work with are lovely and I feel like I have made some friends already! (I was invited to the Christmas work do within a couple of weeks of being there too!). And all the children are really sweet! I thoroughly enjoy it there!

    It is an apprenticeship, so I do have coursework to do as well as what I’m required to do within the job role but I don’t mind that. I like keeping busy. I like having something to do. I know what it’s like to have absolutely nothing to do, nothing to go out the house for, and it’s horrible. I prefer doing things and having challenges!

    Ahh! I’m working! Honestly, I thought I’d never find something. I thought no one would want me to work for them. I was beginning to lose hope. And then this job came up and they accepted me. (They know about my past and my health difficulties and they are fully supportive of it all!)

    So yeah, that’s the main reason why I haven’t updated this blog recently haha … I’ve been settling in to my new job!!

    Another change that I’ve noticed recently, is that I’m more happier in myself. Like, I’ve not had as many low moments/days as I used to have. I have the odd moment but nothing like I’ve had before. I’m so much happier!!

    I think it’s because I finally feel like I’m moving on with my life. I’m now catching up with everyone else my age. I’m not the Katie whose behind everyone else. I’m not the Katie with nothing to do. I’m not the Katie stuck in hospital constantly. I’m not the Katie with a condition that limits her. Ive achieved so much this year. A lot of things, a few years ago, I never thought I’d be able to do.

    I’m just Katie. Yes I’m unique, but I’m also just like many. I’m living a “normal” life (by that I mean I have a job, I’m doing driving lessons etc) and I’ve still got my whole life ahead of me.

    There is something else that’s happened that I would say is quite a big change in my life…. but I’d rather keep that under wraps for now … but stay tuned ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Oh and I hope you have had a lovely Christmas! I sure did โ˜บ๏ธ

    Alright, that’s it for now.

    I want to try and do a sum up of 2018 thing for my next post before the end of this year, but can’t say for certain if that will happen. If not, have a great end of 2018 and start of 2019!

    All the best,

    Katie x

    Battling my Mental Health

    I’m currently sitting here, typing, whilst crying. I’m having a low day. I’ve been meaning to write a post like this for while, after it was suggested to me to do one. I just haven’t had the opportunity. I thought I’d write it now, whilst I’m feeling the way I am so I can tell you exactly how I feel on a low day. I’m doing this because I think not only that it might help others (I’ll mention ways I’ve coped with it in the past), it might help me at this current stage.

    So, here we go. Where do I begin? haha. That’s one of things that happens when I’m low, I suppose. I get confused. I don’t know where to start when it comes to any issues I’m having. You know when your earphones get tangled up in your pocket? That’s what my head feels like at the moment. Like every thought is just tangled up into one ball of wires or something. It hurts. Emotionally, it hurts. I feel both sad and angry at the same time but I can’t pin point why.

    I’ve slowly been feeling like this over the last few days. I’ve felt it building up, but I just can’t stop it. The lowness takes over like a black cloud slowly moving and hovering over me. I try to convince myself that everything’s fine. Everything’s working out. I’m starting to have job interviews, I’ve found a new hobby that I enjoy, etc. Everything is looking up. But apparently it’s not. The way I tell myself that I am okay is actually quite strange and varies. One of these ways, is by posting regularly on social media. Now, you’re probably confused and thinking, everyone posts on social media – why is that strange? For me, I get a bit obsessed, I suppose. Especially with snapchat. You see, I’ve got many friends on snapchat and I like to feel that I’m not lonely. It sounds sad, I know. But my way of not feeling the loneliness that comes with the lowness is by posting almost constantly on snapchat. That way I feel that people are seeing my snaps, and getting involved by seeing them or laughing at them (I like to post amusing snaps when I can) and sometimes people will message me about them.

    You’re probably wondering 1) that’s not really strange or anything – it’s my snapchat I can post whatever I want to my story, and I can post how many times I want. And 2) if I’m feeling lonely, why don’t I message a friend?

    Now, I’ve always been like this but I cant get out of it. I’ve got many people I can talk to. I know that. And I appreciate that. I’m just worried that if I focus on just one person and constantly go to them with my problems – I’m going to annoy them. So if I’m feeling down or lonely, I’ll keep it to myself or if I did want to talk to someone but not go to someone directly, I might put a message on my snapchat or other social media along the lines of “someone talk”.

    Some people might look at that as attention-seeking. I don’t see it as attention-seeking. I’m just asking for a bit of help. I don’t like doing it, but sometimes it feels like my only option. (I know there’s better options but in the moment, that’s the only option)

    Another thing I’m thinking at the moment, is that my life isn’t going anywhere. I’ve been applying for jobs but not hearing back. I’ve spent so long spending time at home. I’m lonely, I’m bored. And I really don’t know what to do. I have a career goal. I’ve had the same career goal for years now. I just can’t get on that ladder.

    I’m also a bit scared for my future. I worry that if I did get a job, will I be able to cope? Will my condition effect me in the workplace? Will I have the confidence to meet and talk to others? But also with situations not to do with working. Like, how will my condition effect me in the future? Will I ever settle down with someone? It’s kind of scary not knowing what the future holds anyway, but come to think of it, even now I’m going about my life taking it day by day. Who knows what could happen. My condition could worsen in 24hrs. I don’t know what my life will be like in an hour. Never mind my future. I’m scared of what might come. Throughout the last 21 years of my life there’s been highs and lows. At this moment, I can only see the lows.

    HOWEVER! As I’ve been typing this out, I’ve been thinking … hang on … no I am okay. I’ve just re-read it all back. Things aren’t as bad as I keep thinking they are.

    You see, to start with I mentioned my new hobby and the job interviews I’ve been having. That’s two positives right there! That shows that I am moving upwards in the world. They’re small, normal things but they’re giant leaps for me. The new hobby, baking, is an incredible move upwards for me. I was scared of food 4/5 years ago. I couldn’t look at a piece of toast with feeling anxious and sick. I’m now baking. I’m creating and enjoying food!! And with the job interviews, It’s only recently I’ve started having them. The fact that my application, my CV is being noticed. And I’m being shortlisted. That’s incredible! I will get something someday! But it will happen at the right time! I’m also having driving lessons. And they’re going really well! That’s something else that’s really positive!

    And with the constant social media posts, I’m not posting every minute haha! It’s a few snaps a day. I’m letting people into my life. I’m giving people insight. I’m sharing my story. Social Media is a wonderful thing! Why my make the most of it? I’m not posting anything harmful or rude. I’m sharing happy posts, and occasionally asking for a friend to talk to! Social media is for connecting with people! Why should I be worried about how many times I post? And what I post?

    With regards to feeling lonely at home. There’s nothing really much I can do at the moment. Unfortunately I’m at the age where I have friends of similar age of me who are working. And so meeting up is quite hard. But again, I have social media. I have texting. You know, I can contact people in other ways. I don’t need to have them around me physically. I can talk and have a laugh with them online.

    When it comes to my future, excuse my language, but who the fuck knows what their future will hold? No one knows for certain. So why worry about it? I’m stable at the moment. I’m not limited in what I can do. I shouldn’t sit a fret about what’s to expect. I should focus on now. What I’ve got and what I can do.

    Because actually….. I’m in a good place right now.