Battling my Mental Health

I’m currently sitting here, typing, whilst crying. I’m having a low day. I’ve been meaning to write a post like this for while, after it was suggested to me to do one. I just haven’t had the opportunity. I thought I’d write it now, whilst I’m feeling the way I am so I can tell you exactly how I feel on a low day. I’m doing this because I think not only that it might help others (I’ll mention ways I’ve coped with it in the past), it might help me at this current stage.

So, here we go. Where do I begin? haha. That’s one of things that happens when I’m low, I suppose. I get confused. I don’t know where to start when it comes to any issues I’m having. You know when your earphones get tangled up in your pocket? That’s what my head feels like at the moment. Like every thought is just tangled up into one ball of wires or something. It hurts. Emotionally, it hurts. I feel both sad and angry at the same time but I can’t pin point why.

I’ve slowly been feeling like this over the last few days. I’ve felt it building up, but I just can’t stop it. The lowness takes over like a black cloud slowly moving and hovering over me. I try to convince myself that everything’s fine. Everything’s working out. I’m starting to have job interviews, I’ve found a new hobby that I enjoy, etc. Everything is looking up. But apparently it’s not. The way I tell myself that I am okay is actually quite strange and varies. One of these ways, is by posting regularly on social media. Now, you’re probably confused and thinking, everyone posts on social media – why is that strange? For me, I get a bit obsessed, I suppose. Especially with snapchat. You see, I’ve got many friends on snapchat and I like to feel that I’m not lonely. It sounds sad, I know. But my way of not feeling the loneliness that comes with the lowness is by posting almost constantly on snapchat. That way I feel that people are seeing my snaps, and getting involved by seeing them or laughing at them (I like to post amusing snaps when I can) and sometimes people will message me about them.

You’re probably wondering 1) that’s not really strange or anything – it’s my snapchat I can post whatever I want to my story, and I can post how many times I want. And 2) if I’m feeling lonely, why don’t I message a friend?

Now, I’ve always been like this but I cant get out of it. I’ve got many people I can talk to. I know that. And I appreciate that. I’m just worried that if I focus on just one person and constantly go to them with my problems – I’m going to annoy them. So if I’m feeling down or lonely, I’ll keep it to myself or if I did want to talk to someone but not go to someone directly, I might put a message on my snapchat or other social media along the lines of “someone talk”.

Some people might look at that as attention-seeking. I don’t see it as attention-seeking. I’m just asking for a bit of help. I don’t like doing it, but sometimes it feels like my only option. (I know there’s better options but in the moment, that’s the only option)

Another thing I’m thinking at the moment, is that my life isn’t going anywhere. I’ve been applying for jobs but not hearing back. I’ve spent so long spending time at home. I’m lonely, I’m bored. And I really don’t know what to do. I have a career goal. I’ve had the same career goal for years now. I just can’t get on that ladder.

I’m also a bit scared for my future. I worry that if I did get a job, will I be able to cope? Will my condition effect me in the workplace? Will I have the confidence to meet and talk to others? But also with situations not to do with working. Like, how will my condition effect me in the future? Will I ever settle down with someone? It’s kind of scary not knowing what the future holds anyway, but come to think of it, even now I’m going about my life taking it day by day. Who knows what could happen. My condition could worsen in 24hrs. I don’t know what my life will be like in an hour. Never mind my future. I’m scared of what might come. Throughout the last 21 years of my life there’s been highs and lows. At this moment, I can only see the lows.

HOWEVER! As I’ve been typing this out, I’ve been thinking … hang on … no I am okay. I’ve just re-read it all back. Things aren’t as bad as I keep thinking they are.

You see, to start with I mentioned my new hobby and the job interviews I’ve been having. That’s two positives right there! That shows that I am moving upwards in the world. They’re small, normal things but they’re giant leaps for me. The new hobby, baking, is an incredible move upwards for me. I was scared of food 4/5 years ago. I couldn’t look at a piece of toast with feeling anxious and sick. I’m now baking. I’m creating and enjoying food!! And with the job interviews, It’s only recently I’ve started having them. The fact that my application, my CV is being noticed. And I’m being shortlisted. That’s incredible! I will get something someday! But it will happen at the right time! I’m also having driving lessons. And they’re going really well! That’s something else that’s really positive!

And with the constant social media posts, I’m not posting every minute haha! It’s a few snaps a day. I’m letting people into my life. I’m giving people insight. I’m sharing my story. Social Media is a wonderful thing! Why my make the most of it? I’m not posting anything harmful or rude. I’m sharing happy posts, and occasionally asking for a friend to talk to! Social media is for connecting with people! Why should I be worried about how many times I post? And what I post?

With regards to feeling lonely at home. There’s nothing really much I can do at the moment. Unfortunately I’m at the age where I have friends of similar age of me who are working. And so meeting up is quite hard. But again, I have social media. I have texting. You know, I can contact people in other ways. I don’t need to have them around me physically. I can talk and have a laugh with them online.

When it comes to my future, excuse my language, but who the fuck knows what their future will hold? No one knows for certain. So why worry about it? I’m stable at the moment. I’m not limited in what I can do. I shouldn’t sit a fret about what’s to expect. I should focus on now. What I’ve got and what I can do.

Because actually….. I’m in a good place right now.

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