It’s creeping up on me…

I’ve felt like I’ve been in a good place recently. I’ve enjoyed myself. I’ve been so relaxed. But there’s been a few occasions the last couple of weeks where I’ve just stopped in my tracks and just felt so sad..

I don’t know why. I don’t know how. I don’t know what triggers it… But it’s definetly there.

This has happened before. I get a few ‘outbursts’ of lowness. It’s like a switch that I can’t control. On and off. On and off. It happens gradually.. The out spurts are originally spaced out but eventually become more closer together and more often… And I feel like thats happening now.

I’m trying to actually fight this whilst it’s in its early stages. I’m dismaying the negative thoughts. I’m telling myself it will all be okay. I’m pushing away the bad thoughts and reminding myself of the nicer, positive thoughts. I’m taking control. It’s hard but I don’t want depression to win. I want to be in control. I want to stay feeling positive and happy.

As I’ve said before – I do think it’s harder battling a mental illness compared to a physical illness.

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Hope at last and … Gangnam style?

I’m a few days late but this post is going to be about what happened this month 6 years ago..

I think the easiest way is to share my statuses and explain them the best I can, so first of all, here are my facebook statuses from March 2013… (By the way – I did have the exact date for each of these but I’ve lost themπŸ˜‚ but they are in order! Haha)

So… this status above. For some reason, in my head they discovered my stomach was large in September 2012 … but by this status, maybe they discovered it later on down the line…

I remember having the tube inserted during x-ray (I was awake). They had to do it under x-ray because of the shape and size of my stomach. It wasn’t pleasant to say the least!

And yes… by this point I was very well known in the x-Ray department. As soon as I arrived I didn’t even have to say my name – they knew me so well and just was like “hey Katie!”πŸ˜‚.

It was also by this point, where I’d had enough of having time of school… I was bored and missing my friends. I was also missing normality.

And this is where Gangnam style comes in… ah. This story still makes me chuckleπŸ˜‚.

So… yeah. Also this status also mentions the time when my surgeon and his team ‘discovered the problem’ – which again, in my mind I thought that was discovered in September 2012 … obviously notπŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈπŸ˜‚. But then again, this may have been an additional problem?πŸ€”

So they found that by inserting a balloon inside of me… they could open up the top stomach valve which was almost so tightly shut .. so much so food was struggling to go down.

I remember being wheeled back to my ward after being in recovery and seeing my surgeon and his team standing outside my door… all smiling at me and my dad. It was weird … but a good weird….

When I find out why they were standing outside and what they had discovered – it felt like a massive relief! I was so happy that there was a reason as to why I had been struggling the way I had been – it wasn’t my fault! There was a problem there! And this problem could now possibly be solved!

Oh and the ‘Gangnam style’ situation …. I can still, to this day see my surgeon and his team dancing around the operating table to it…

I remember this PH Test… I had that tube down one nostril and my feeding tube down the other nostril … it was like my nose was a bloody charging socket! 🀣

I can’t actually remember the results of this test … I just remember how uncomfortable it felt..

Ideas

This is a quick post to ask for suggestions about what you, as a reader, would be interested in reading about on this blog.

Unless something significant happens in my life, I don’t really have much to say currently. I could carry on with my story but the next part is the big chunky bit about the year 2013 when a lot happened with regards to having many many operations and my life changing. But ideally I’d like to start that in January – as that would mark 6 years.

Is there anything you’d like to know about me, anything you think you would be interested in finding out about me and my story? Maybe there’s some advice you think I could give?

Let me know by commenting on this or, as I will be sharing on social media, on any of my social media platforms.

Thank you,

Katie x

Invisible illness: A blessing or a curse?

I realise I haven’t done a blog post in a while. The reason being is that I’ve been wanting to focus on moving on in my life. I’ve been looking for work and just focusing on doing things that a 21 year old would do.

Anyway, I thought I’d make this post about something I’ve been thinking about recently. My ‘invisible’ illness. It’s invisible because no one can see it. I know I have this illness. I know how it effects me. My friends and family know about it too. But they only know from me talking about it. To strangers or just people I don’t really know well, I haven’t got an illness. I’m going to talk about the pros and cons of having an invisible illness.

(Obviously, everyone’s situation is different and I’d just like to say these are my own opinions. It doesn’t mean they’re right and it doesn’t mean they’re wrong either.)

Okay, so pros of an invisible illness (I mean, having an illness isn’t necessarily positive, I’m talking about the invisible aspect of it):

  • People treat you the same as they would anyone else. (If they don’t know about it)
  • What I mean by this is that, because people don’t know that you have a chronic illness/disability they don’t ‘tip-toe’ around you. They don’t talk to you in a way that shows they feel sorry for you. And, in a way, aren’t careful with what they say around you thinking you’ll be offended. Don’t get me wrong, there are people out there who treat you the same despite knowing about your illness. But I’ve seen first-hand how people can change after discovering you’ve actually got a chronic condition.
  • Again, this is my opinion, but I don’t like when people find out about me and assume that they have to be careful of what they say to me. I may be sensitive at times, and it may be hard to tell, but honestly I’m not easily offended. I’ve learnt in life to laugh, a lot, at things that adversity throws at me. If I make a joke about my stomach or something, I want people to laugh along with me. There’s been many times when I’ve made a joke about my stomach and people don’t laugh. They do a little grin and a noise of some sort, but I can tell they feel a bit uncomfortable. They feel like they can’t laugh. Do they think I’m testing them or something? Because I’m not. I encourage my friends and family to laugh along with me. I don’t like when people feel uncomfortable around me. I’m me. Yes I’ve had a few battles. But who hasn’t? I’ve got a few scars, so what? I’m still human. I’m still a 21 year old woman.
    • You can pretend you don’t have an illness.

    This may sound daft but let me explain. There are days where I think that my illness has taken over. Mentally as much as physically. I feel that I’m not Katie, I’m someone who has a chronic illness. That’s not right. I shouldn’t have a label. I don’t like thinking that I’m a person with a disability. I am, but I’m capable of a hell of a lot. There are days where I can almost forget that I’ve got what I’ve got. Focus on other things, like what I’ve been doing recently. Focus on my personality, me as a person. Doing activities that I enjoy doing. It helps that I can hide my illness. My stomach is easily hidden. My symptoms can be easily controlled most days. Despite me occasionally thinking “why me!”, I’m actually quite fortunate given my circumstances. To many people, I’m just a small 5’2 woman with a shy yet distinctive personality. I like that.

    Also, I’m not saying you should pretend you don’t have an illness- if you have one – I’m just saying, for me, knowing that I can kind of push the whole aspect of my illness to the side and not let it get in the way of living is very beneficial.

    Okay, Cons! If I’m honest, I can only think of one at this current stage. So here we go, cons of having an invisible illness:

    • No one understands

    The biggie. Now I know I said how I like when people treat me as if I haven’t got a disability/illness whatever. I do. But there are days where I feel like crap. One thing that can annoy me/upset me is when I am feeling really sick, tired, I’m in a lot pain and I’m talking to someone. I’m trying to not focus on the symptoms but it’s hard, and that person says “you’re looking well”. Now, you’re probably thinking – but that’s a compliment Katie? They’re only being nice. True. They probably think they’re being nice. And they are, I respond by saying thank you and giving a smile. In no way am I blaming them. This is something I can’t control.

    But what I’m saying is, because I can’t physically show that I’m not well, it’s hard to let people know I’m not feeling well. If that makes sense? There are days where I find it hard to talk because of the amount of pain I’m in. People think I’m okay because ‘I look well’. I don’t want to seem like someone who continuously complains about their problems; the amount of pain I’m in, how sick I’m feeling, I just don’t want to be that person. So I tend to keep quiet about it. But sometimes it gets too much and in frustration I will just burst into tears and just let it all out. I don’t want people to think that I’m pretending I’m feeling that way just because I don’t mention it all the time. I feel like if I was that person who constantly said how I was feeling physically everyday, people would see me as someone looking for attention. But if I don’t say anything apart from the days where I am really really sick (which is actually quite rare now) – would people actually believe me? It’s hard.

    Can I also just say, In no way am I wanting it to look like I’m feeling sorry for myself here. I’m not. I swear. I’m not that sort of person. I’m just saying things as they are. In my perspective.

    I guess here, the pros outweigh the cons. Which, for me, shows that having an invisible illness isn’t so bad.