I wasn’t in control but it felt right

Today I’ve woken up not in the best of moods.

I’ve taken my medication.

I’ve listened to music to try to help.

But nothing seems to work. I know it’s still early in the day, and so my mood could change. But at the moment I’m feeling a bit rubbish.

Physically, I’m fine. I’m feeling the way I normally do. But mentally, I’m struggling a little bit.

I have moments like this sometimes. Not much recently, but occasionally when I’ve been on such a high from life for so long, I stop to take a break and rest and I then I start pondering and feeling sad.

I look back at my past. I remember my childhood and teenage years being spent in and out of hospital and in a way…. I miss it.

I know that sounds really weird so let me explain…

I’m used to that sort of life. It’s the life I’ve grown up knowing. The endless hospital visits, the endless admissions, the endless tests and operations. I wasn’t in control but it felt right.

Now, I’m living a normal life. And it’s scary. I’m left to it now. I’ve got no endless hospital visits. No endless treatments or procedures. I’m free to live the life I choose to live.

But where do I go? What do I do? I’m lucky in the sense that I’ve got so much support around me directing me on what to do and how to get about things. But I still find myself lost sometimes.

I know I’ll be fine in a day or two, maybe even a few hours. But for the time being I’ve got to try and stay strong. I need to get my head around the fact that I have control now and I can do this!