Finding Katie

Having a bit of a pause with the story of my King’s journey for this blog post. (I’m really sorry – I will continue with that story soon – I’ve been a bit busy recently!)

I want to do a post on mental health. It’s a bit random, but with this blog, there is really no structure. When I go to make a blog post I make one because; I want to and this blog is for me to talk about what I feel like talking about.

I’m treating it like my diary, if you like. My public diary. (Just a heads up, I might randomly go on to something else half-way through the blog haha)

The reason I want to do a blog post on how I’ve been feeling recently is, I guess, because I want people to know what goes on in my head sometimes. I want to let people know that if they are feeling what I’m feeling, then they’re not alone.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a few years ago. I know that a lot of the time they don’t come on through triggers, but I do seem to think that the events of my past have something to do with it. Beginning with my King’s journey (which I will carry on with soon!).

I think this because looking back I was a different person. I think I was anyway. I was very confident (a tad shy at times but the confidence was definitely there!), I had a wicked sense of humour, I was cheeky, I could think straight and most of all, I was happy near enough all the time (despite what was happening).

The majority of what I can remember from my time as a regular inpatient at hospital, are the funny moments and the nice moments. The laughs and chats I had with staff, friends and family. I wasn’t afraid to be a bit silly. I hardly felt anxious. I felt nervous – many times! But that was to do with the procedures I was having. I could think straight and give clear answers and mentally I was in a good place. To start with anyway.

After my first major operation at King’s, there were many, many complications (which I will go into at some point) meaning I was up and down the hospital like a yo-yo (I just thought of that .. haha..) so I think, eventually, the constant going up and down and the fact that I couldn’t see my friends often, couldn’t go to school and overall couldn’t have a ‘normal’ life as a 15/16 year old actually started to effect me.

My life was like this for 2 years really. 2013 and 2014. Those two years were manic in terms of hospital visits and just my condition being at it’s worse. Come 2015, things settled down. Even now, I consider 2015 as being one of the best years ever. I probably had 1 procedure that year (this trend carried on till last year). There was hardly any hospital visits – just plenty of meeting up with friends both at school/sixth form and outside of school, spending time with family and also plenty of parties! (Including my 18th!)

I was still Katie back then. I was happy, confident, silly. I didn’t care about what people thought about me. My confidence was still high. I had a couple of moments but didn’t really think much of them. I loved being that Katie.

Since 2016 though, things have..well..changed. That year, something didn’t feel right. At first, I wondered wether it was just the fact that I was focusing on how good the previous year was and I started comparing – even though there wasn’t really much to compare haha. I was still at school/sixth form for the first half of that year. But I finished and went on to college in the September. It was a big step, so I was expecting to be nervous. It would be a big step for anyone but for me, personally, it was massive because during my time at school a lot had happened. Especially during the last couple of years. And they had supported me so much and I had started to see the staff more as friends. So, it’s no surprise that when I was feeling low through out that year – up until September – that I generally thought that was normal. I had a little bit of counselling during that time from the school to help. And it did. But I started to notice that something was different about this Katie. Maybe it was nerves due to leaving and starting afresh at college.

(I will go into going back to school, starting college etc.. in other blogs by the way)

I started college and I thought I’d start feeling like Katie again. I made friends, enjoyed the course (Creative Media production…if anyone was wondering). Everything was going fine. Something still wasn’t right. I had counselling again, this time at the college, and it helped a bit but I was still so confused. I still had moments of feeling low. I still wasn’t me.

This carried on throughout my time at college. Although, I must say, last year I went to the doctors with the help of a neighbour (I was at my very lowest and she persuaded me to go to the doctors) and got some help. I had CBT therapy. This actually done quite a lot of good for me!

I finished the sessions late last year. Since then, I do a feel a bit better. I still have my moments. And I still have times when I don’t feel like ‘Katie’ still but I now know she is there. I am still here. And the confident me, the silly me, the happy me does show every so often. Much more than it has done the last couple of years. I’m still on a journey. I’m still in recovery – physically and mentally. But I’m on my way.

Slowly but surely!

(I remembered to add a quote woo!)

“I am learning to trust the journey even when I do not understand it.” – Mila Bron

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