It’s creeping up on me…

I’ve felt like I’ve been in a good place recently. I’ve enjoyed myself. I’ve been so relaxed. But there’s been a few occasions the last couple of weeks where I’ve just stopped in my tracks and just felt so sad..

I don’t know why. I don’t know how. I don’t know what triggers it… But it’s definetly there.

This has happened before. I get a few ‘outbursts’ of lowness. It’s like a switch that I can’t control. On and off. On and off. It happens gradually.. The out spurts are originally spaced out but eventually become more closer together and more often… And I feel like thats happening now.

I’m trying to actually fight this whilst it’s in its early stages. I’m dismaying the negative thoughts. I’m telling myself it will all be okay. I’m pushing away the bad thoughts and reminding myself of the nicer, positive thoughts. I’m taking control. It’s hard but I don’t want depression to win. I want to be in control. I want to stay feeling positive and happy.

As I’ve said before – I do think it’s harder battling a mental illness compared to a physical illness.



Recently, I’ve had a low moment. I was thinking why me. Why have I had to go through what I’ve had to go through, mainly because of how it affects me now. I feel lost sometimes. I feel like I’m not sure what to say or do in certain situations. I’m not sure how to react. Sometimes I might overreact without thinking. Sometimes I might not react at all.

What I’ve got to realise is that I’m still learning “the ways of life” I suppose. I’m a bit late at learning it but it’s better late than never ay?

I think a lot of people assume I know things that other people in their early twenties know… But that’s not necessarily the case. I struggle with even the simplest of things sometimes. I make a lot of mistakes.

But like many have said to me, mistakes are how we learn – and I for sure am learning a lot!

One thing I worry about is the fact that I don’t know what I’m doing half the time. And I feel like at my age, I should know what I’m doing. But like a friend reminded me – do any of us know what we’re doing half the time? We’re all humans. We all make mistakes. We all get puzzled from time to time. We are all constantly learning.

So am I really that different to someone who hasn’t had the same past as I have had? No! I’m not. And I really should start realising that now.

Toast is good

I used to have a fear of toast.

Yep. You read that right. I used to be scared of toast. In fact, I used to have a fear of everything food-related. I couldn’t look at any type of food. If I was watching TV and a scene came on where someone was eating, or an advert for McDonald’s (other food outlets are available) or something, I would have to turn the TV over, or off. Actually, for a while it made me fear watching TV as I wouldn’t know if and when food of some sort would pop up on the screen.

Let me explain..

Because of my health battles in the past, eating has always been a challenge. You see, when I was younger – everyone, including doctors, didn’t detect any serious problem when it came to me eating. Like, they knew I struggled but they thought it was just a case of me having to just keep trying. Every time I tried to eat something, it would either go down fine but affect me a couple of days later (later on in my teenage years, they discovered food that I was eating was sitting in my stomach for a couple of days instead of going through the whole system – I won’t go into detail haha – thus making my body think its being poisoned. Kinda like food poisoning I suppose) OR I would be sick straight away.

My portions of meals and that have always been on the small side too. Even now, they’re still not what most would consider “normal” size portions but its still bigger than what I have had in the past.

I remember in primary school. I’d only have a couple of bites of a sandwich before feeling “full” and then sick. And when I did eat a bit more and pretty well for me, a couple of days later I would suffer for it. It was horrible.

There was a time where my parents thought maybe my lack of eating was due to something psycological (don’t think I’ve spelt it rightπŸ˜…). But it wasn’t. I wasn’t being fussy. I wasn’t telling myself not to eat. I was suffering from a mental eating disorder. I was physically unwell. But it was hard to find out why. I remember once finishing a whole plate of sausage and chips. I was so proud of myself for finishing it, as were my parents. A few seconds later, it all came back up. It was something I couldn’t control. I felt like I had failed. I felt like I wasn’t actually trying. When in fact I was, I just had a physical condition that was taking over my body.

It wasn’t until I was 15, when the problem was discovered. My stomach had grown to a large size and had grown horizontally up the left side of my body. That’s why food was going off in my stomach because it had enough room to just sit there.

Eventually I had the surgery and I started to get sorted physically. But now, mentally, I had started to struggle. Physically I knew my body could take food. I knew it would take time but physically my body could cope. When I could eventually eat, after the surgery, I remember trying a piece of toast. Well, I say trying.. I just stared at it and just felt petrified. People would offer me food too but I now was scarred with what happened in the past. I was scared I’d feel pain and sickness again from eating. In my mind, subconsciously, food was bad. A psychologist got involved in my care. I remeber chatting to her and saying how it’s like a bully in my mind telling me that food is bad. Food will make you ill. Deep down I knew food was good. Food is something to enjoy not think of as part of a chore. But there was this ‘message’ in my head. Telling me that food will harm me. And that goes for any type of food.

When I came home from the hospital, I asked that my family don’t eat near me. I locked myself away in my room some days. Not even turning on the TV. All I could do is sit and listen to music. I was in a no-food zone in my mind. Going out with friends petrified me. Because, I wanted to see them and spend time with them, but I was scared that they’d suggest eating out somewhere.

Whenever someone near me had food, whatever it was, the sight and smell of it would make me have a panic attack.

Now though?

Well… Masterchef is now one of my favourite shows hahaπŸ˜‚.

After years of training my brain to realise that food is good. Food is something to enjoy. Food is amazing! I feel like I’ve jumped a massive hurdle! I can eat so many slices of toast now. I enjoy toast. Toast is good. I’m not a fussy eater, and I’m not allergic to anything so I can eat anything really.

I’ve also got into baking and cooking recently which I really enjoy. If you would have told me 5/6 years ago that I would be cooking a roast for dinner on mother’s day and then baking a cake for afters I would have laughed at you and said nah, that’s not me.

My fear of food hasn’t gone completely I’m not going to lie, I still get a tiny bit anxious around food when I’m feeling sick, and also if I feel pressured to eat – which happens very rarely now as the people around me now know not to pressure me to eat. I will eat when I feel up to eating. And at the moment….. That’s pretty much all the time!! πŸ˜‚

The last 3 weeks or so my appetite has been amazing! I’ve had short spells of good appetite in the past but they’ve only really lasted a couple of days at a time. This is the first time ever that I’ve had a good non-stop appetite for 3 weeks – almost 4! I’m craving loads of different foods and I’m enjoying the tastes and satisfaction it gives!

Younger me would be surprised I’m saying this but.. I love eating! πŸ˜πŸ˜‚

Learning to Dance in the rain

Its the quote we all know and love! Well I think so anyway….. πŸ˜‚

As you can probably tell by my previous post, I haven’t been in the best of moods recently.

I honestly can’t fully explain why I feel that way. I don’t know what triggers it. It just happens. Some days I wake up and I just feel horrible. I lose confidence in myself. I feel like giving up is the only option. It’s like there’s a black cloud over my head. Eventually I get over it though… and I found that as the day went on yesterday. I suddenly saw things in a brighter, positive way.

I hate having moments like that though. And I feel embarrassed about bringing it up. It’s been such a taboo subject for so long. It’s only recently that people have been opening up about mental health. I’m starting to open up about how I’m feeling to people I know now. I’m starting to realise that talking about how I’m feeling is a good thing. It does help having a cry and getting things off your chest!

And I think the big thing I’ve realised recently is that it is okay to have these low moments! I’m human! Emotions are normal!

The quote I’ve shared with you today is true! Life isn’t about sitting and waiting for the storm to pass…. it is about learning to embrace and dance in the rain!!

Low spell

  • I’m having a low spell this morning. I’m going to just get straight to the point and say that instead of suffering in silence, I’m going to list a few things I’m thinking/feeling right now;
    • I want to speak to someone but at the same time I don’t (I clam up)
    • I feel like giving up
    • I’m useless
    • I’m not smart
    • I’m rubbish at my job
    • I’m an attention seeker
    • I feel like pushing everyone I know away because I feel like it would be best for them
    • I feel like someone no one wants to be around
    • I feel like throwing everything I’ve achieved recently away
    • I just want to sleep and cry
    • I want to hide
    • I’m not a good person
    • My mind feels like a set of tangled ear phones
    • My head hurts
    • I can’t control these thoughts
    • I can’t stop these thoughts
    • It’s taking over me and there’s nothing I can do
    • I know I’m in a good place right now (things going well for me at the moment) but I still feel so sad
    • I’m confused.
    • I want help but I don’t know what to say
    • What if I waste people’s time by talking/ranting to them?

    Hope at last and … Gangnam style?

    I’m a few days late but this post is going to be about what happened this month 6 years ago..

    I think the easiest way is to share my statuses and explain them the best I can, so first of all, here are my facebook statuses from March 2013… (By the way – I did have the exact date for each of these but I’ve lost themπŸ˜‚ but they are in order! Haha)

    So… this status above. For some reason, in my head they discovered my stomach was large in September 2012 … but by this status, maybe they discovered it later on down the line…

    I remember having the tube inserted during x-ray (I was awake). They had to do it under x-ray because of the shape and size of my stomach. It wasn’t pleasant to say the least!

    And yes… by this point I was very well known in the x-Ray department. As soon as I arrived I didn’t even have to say my name – they knew me so well and just was like “hey Katie!”πŸ˜‚.

    It was also by this point, where I’d had enough of having time of school… I was bored and missing my friends. I was also missing normality.

    And this is where Gangnam style comes in… ah. This story still makes me chuckleπŸ˜‚.

    So… yeah. Also this status also mentions the time when my surgeon and his team ‘discovered the problem’ – which again, in my mind I thought that was discovered in September 2012 … obviously notπŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈπŸ˜‚. But then again, this may have been an additional problem?πŸ€”

    So they found that by inserting a balloon inside of me… they could open up the top stomach valve which was almost so tightly shut .. so much so food was struggling to go down.

    I remember being wheeled back to my ward after being in recovery and seeing my surgeon and his team standing outside my door… all smiling at me and my dad. It was weird … but a good weird….

    When I find out why they were standing outside and what they had discovered – it felt like a massive relief! I was so happy that there was a reason as to why I had been struggling the way I had been – it wasn’t my fault! There was a problem there! And this problem could now possibly be solved!

    Oh and the ‘Gangnam style’ situation …. I can still, to this day see my surgeon and his team dancing around the operating table to it…

    I remember this PH Test… I had that tube down one nostril and my feeding tube down the other nostril … it was like my nose was a bloody charging socket! 🀣

    I can’t actually remember the results of this test … I just remember how uncomfortable it felt..

    Am I a failure?

    Today I am having an off day. I am not feeling too good. I had a rough night, tossing and turning and feeling sick and just not myself. I am also in quite a bit of pain with my knee (which is a bit odd as I’ve never had problems with my legs/knees before – I think it’s because I’m moving around a lot more because of my job, so it’s been a bit of a shock to my body!)

    When I feel ill and not quite myself, I tend to feel quite low. Negative thoughts go over and over in my head. One of the big negative thoughts that I get is ‘Am I a failure?’ I know that sounds quite … deep? But it’s what I think. I think I’m failing in keeping up with that strong persona of mine.

    I know I’m a strong person, I’ve had to be throughout my life really. But there are moments where I feel weak. Like, I can’t fight the battle I am facing. I feel like giving up. I feel like loosing the battle is the only thing I can do. I haven’t got the energy to fight this illness or whatever.

    It does also make me wonder how I’m going to cope in the future. If I’m having these thoughts now, if I’m struggling now, I wonder wether I’ll be able to adapt to changes coming to me in my life. Because there is a lot of new developments on their way. Will I be able to keep strong whilst I adapt to these new things? I hope so.

    Life is full of constant changes. There’s no way I can stop that. I think I’m still trying to adapt to the fact that I can do a hell of of a lot of things now. I’m not bed-bound all the time, I’m not seriously ill in a critical condition.

    I have a job, I go out with friends, I’ve even started dating. There’s so many new, ‘normal’ (again… I don’t like the word normal but it’s the only word I can think ofπŸ˜‚) , exciting changes going on. I’m slowly getting used to the fact that I am able to live a life now. I just wish I could adapt to these changes quicker….