Against Doctors Orders

I’ve talked in the past about realising my limits and listening to my body.. etc.

But there are some things in my life which I am technically entitled to, yet I refuse to… acknowledge I guess.

When I say a few things.. I mainly mean.. Well.. One 😂

I found out I was entitled to this a few months back.

Basically a few months ago I went to the doctors for an appointment. He was a nice doctor and we chatted about the issue I originally made the appointment for. After a little while of talking, and I can’t remember how we got onto this, but he mentioned that I am actually entitled to a sick note that said that I was ‘unfit for work’. Due to the complication of my condition and the number of surgeries and treatment that I have had, I do have the right to not work and probably just live off benefits.

As soon as he mentioned the ‘unfit for work’ note I instantly said no. Why? Because why the fudge would I do that when my main goal is to be as “normal” as possible.

I explained that, yes I have a few limitations (mainly just heavy lifting), but I do want to work. I want to earn my own money. I like the idea of having money come into my account knowing that I’ve worked hard for it. I also don’t want to sit around on my butt all day doing nothing. I want to get out there, meet new people, learn new skills, build my stamina. I don’t want to let my condition define me and take control of my life.

Okay so.. I didn’t go that much into detail to the doctor but I did say how much I really wanted to work and in fact, I enjoy working and keeping busy. He was a bit shocked but he also said he was proud of me😂☺️

There are some things I am entitled to to, I suppose, make my life easier.. And some I will accept but there are some that I won’t. Only because I feel that it would limit me more. I’m a fighter. I’m someone who constantly tries. I get back up when I’ve been knocked down.

I have always said I will never let this condition win. And recently I have noticed that, from sticking by that statement, I am actually starting to live a “normal” life. I have a job, I’m socialising with friends, and recently I’ve got into a relationship.

Everything’s going for me at the moment… Years of fighting my condition and I feel that I’m actually winning now! 😁

CUE A CHEESY SMILE SELFIE:

Button Change

Every 3 months I have my feeding tube taken out and a new one put in. (it sounds worse than what it actually is).

Last night was the first night I changed my tube myself without a nurse assisting or even just being there. It was just me, and my kind of nervous dad. He and my mum have been trying to persuade me to book a nurse to come to our home to assist me in changing it, as I’ve always done for the last 6 years however I wanted to do it myself this time. (plus I was scared of contacting the nurse I had last time as she was a bit scary and basically quizzed me on everything I was doing whilst doing it – I felt like I was doing an exam on top of a practical!! 😂)

Anyway, I felt confident that I could do it myself! I just needed one person with me to pass me the stuff. There’s not much that can go wrong.

When I’ve told people that I have my tube changed every 3 months or so, they normally cringe a bit and ask if it hurts. 1, I know it sounds quite…. Icky? (couldn’t think of another word😂) but it’s really not that bad and 2, no… It doesnt hurt. It can be a bit sore but I’ve found a technique to help with that.

It’s not as bad as you might think. A nurse once described it to me as “taking out an earing and putting a new one in but without the back part” and it is, technically.

Above is a photo of all the equipment I use to change the button. (again… It looks scarier than what it actually is). I must say, it is all sterile and everything. Me and my dad (who was the one passing me the stuff) washed our hands thoroughly too – don’t worry we know about hygiene and sterile stuff from our experience of hospitals! 😉😂

Now I’m going to explain to you the parts I use (I don’t actually use all of it – I don’t need to)

This is cool, boiled water. I boil the water up in a kettle and pour it into a mug or cup or whatever and leave it for a while for it to cool down. I can’t remember the full reason why we do this, but I know it’s more clean and sterile to be put in the balloon of the button that way. We always do this when I change the water in the button every week too.

These are two syringes. One is filled up to its max of 5 mil – ready to put into the new balloon once changed. And one is empty and will be used to take the water out of the old balloon.

When changing the water in the balloon (weekly), I know if the balloon is fraying by the colour or consitency of the water… If the water is cloudy and/or a funny colour then I know I need to change the button soon.

Now this is the important bit…. The actual tube. I’m sorry I didn’t get a close enough photo (I forgot😂).

I’ve found a photo online… Source unknown…

So yeah… That’s what it looks like in its full form. And as you can probably see from my photo… Its so small!

The balloon… As you can see from this picture… Holds the tube in place inside. It doesn’t actually go that far into the stomach (as many people assume), well my one doesn’t anyway. It only covers the top stomach lining.

And it just slots into the small hole in my stomach. A small bit of plastic. My own belly button. And it’s the only belly button I’ve got.

So that’s all the equipment used to take an old button out and put a new one in. Now you’ve got all the info on each part.. Let me explain the whole procedure in steps…

1) I get the equipment ready and wash my hands (obviously..) I also test the new tube’s balloon by filling it up with water and taking the water out again. I need to make sure the balloon has no leaks or anything that could affect the position of the tube or tube itself.

2) I lay down in a comfortable position. (laying down is the best position as you’re muscles are more relaxed and not tense)

3) I get passed over the empty syringe and connect it to the little nozzle on the side of the tube. I then take out all the water in the balloon (should be 5 mil)

4) I disconnect the syringe and hold the tube in place. Its unlikely but there is a chance the tube could just pop out. I want to make sure I have the new tube in hand just in case. (it depends on the person but I have been told there has been some cases where the hole in the stomach has automatically closed once a tube isn’t present… And I can’t risk that as that means having another procedure to have another hole put in)

5) I start my breathing technique. I breathe in…. And out… And in… And out… And so on.. Until I feel ready to take it out. I take it out as I breathe out. This is a technique that I was introduced to a couple of years ago. It makes it less sore to pull out as your muscles relax as you breathe out.

6) Once its out.. My stomach makes weird noises (as expected…. Last night it sounded like my stomach was blowing a raspberry😅😂) and I get passed the new tube and pop it straight in. It literally just slides in.

7) I then get passed the syringe with 5 mil of water in and connect it to the side nozzle on the tube. I slowly fill the balloon of the tube with water.

8) I then give it a quick, gentle twist to make sure its secure enough but also free to move a little.

And that’s it. All done. The actual taking the button out and putting a new one in, takes a few seconds. It’s really not that bad…. But saying that, I’ve had to learn to adapt to it for the last 6 years.

Confident Talker

Hello!

I’m sorry I haven’t posted sooner. I’ve been a bit all over the place recently. One minute I’m happy and confident with the way things are going and the next minute I’m sad and frustrated. I really don’t know how to describe it. It’s mad.

I’ve said all along, as my life has changed in recent years – to a more ‘normal’ way of living, I’ve had to try and adapt to all these changes and it’s been hard.

I’ve had a few set backs. Regarding work, dating, friends etc. All small things but to me… They’ve been quite a shock to the system I tell ya!

It’s nothing others have done by the way… Its just small things that most people will just shrug off and carry on. But I’m not used to having these sort of set backs… So i’m finding that I need longer to process what’s happened and then shrug it off.

I’m also struggling with the nice things that are happening. Which sounds odd I know.

For example, I recently went on a few dates with someone (yes.. I’m getting out there now!) and I spoke a bit but I couldn’t really say much as I just didn’t know what to say. I panicked and felt like the majority of the time I was with him my thoughts froze. I couldn’t form words. It was embarrassing. He was understanding about it though and tried so hard to ask me questions and encourage me to speak. But despite how much I tried, my mind kept going blank. He messaged me after the third date saying how he didn’t think we had much in common so there’s not really any point in meeting up again. The way I’ve worded that sounds like he was rude about it all – but he certainly wasn’t and was very nice about it. I understood and we’ve parted ways. Now maybe he was right. Maybe we didn’t have much in common. But there’s a part of me annoyed with myself because I feel that if I tried harder to talk and ask questions, and just be more confident in making conversation, then we may have found loads in common. He was really nice and made me laugh–which is a good sign in my eyes, and I really felt that we were similar in personalities.. Its just my anxiety and confidence affected me showing that.

My confidence when it comes to talking is similar in other situations with friends and family too. I just don’t know what to say or how to speak to them half the time. It’s ridiculous.

I really hope something eventually clicks and I start feeling comfortable and happy talking again soon. And I let my bubbly, silly personality shine through.

Behind the scenes

I’ve said before…many times.. That I basically have an invisible illness. A lot of people would not know what I’ve been through if I never said anything.

I hide it well I suppose. There’s a few common, every day, symptoms that people may see me have. For example.. I might hold my back as I’m having a bit of back pain (although I don’t always like to admit it) or my unstoppable hiccups which appear out of the blue and are funny at first but can get pretty annoying😂

But.. There’s also a few that people don’t see me suffer from. Because I hide it well from others.

There’s one particular symptom or cause of condition that I don’t talk about often. It’s because im not too sure how to explain it and plus… I’ve been a bit embarrassed about it I guess. But today I’m going to share with you what happens behind the scenes, when I’m at home (sometimes out and about but that is very very rare). The only people who really know about it and support me through it is my mum, dad and brother…. Because they live with me and so I can’t really hide it from them.

Okay… Now I’m going to stop rambling and get on with it😂 Basically… You’ve heard me talk about my ‘bad spells’ before, but I’ve mainly explained what I’ve been like on a bad day. I don’t talk about these “fits” that I have.

I’ve literally only just recovered from one of my regular ‘fits’ which is one of the reasons why I felt like I want to talk about it now… Whilst it’s all fresh in my mind.

I think the easiest way of explaining this to explain what has literally just happened.

So… I was sitting down on the sofa with my family eating our dinner. We’d finished and took our plates out. As i sat, letting my dinner get down I started to feel funny… I felt a bit faint, my chest was tightening and I started to feel sick. I knew what was coming…. And I’m sorry in advance if it gets a bit too.. Eurgh… 😅😂

I had to retch. Not vomit… But retch. I can’t physically vomit anyway. (because of the surgery I’ve had). I then went into a state of repetition retching. I couldn’t stop. I also started shaking and my body was… Tensing and Pulsing (not sure if that’s the right word). I was also starting to feel hot. I know it would be over in a few minutes and I’ll be fine… I just had to persevere with it… In fact the more I retched… The better I felt over time.

Once the retching had stopped, my body had relaxed and I had started to cool down. I did some simple breathing exercises to calm down… And now I’m absolutely fine! Whilst this was happening my mum was around if I really needed her but she, like the rest of the family, know that all they need to do is let me get on with it. I’ve learnt to control it so it doesn’t last long. I know what to do.

This normally happens when I’m at home fortunately. If I’m out and about and I feel a bad fit/spell coming on I tend to try my hardest to conceal it. Although sometimes that’s not always possible..

But yeah… I just thought I’d share some behind-the-scenes. Its not something I bring up often and it’s not something I enjoy talking about as it reminds me that I have a weakness. But… Talking about it here… Has made me realise its not a weakness… Its just a challenge that I always overcome 😁