Today I am having an off day. I am not feeling too good. I had a rough night, tossing and turning and feeling sick and just not myself. I am also in quite a bit of pain with my knee (which is a bit odd as I’ve never had problems with my legs/knees before – I think it’s because I’m moving around a lot more because of my job, so it’s been a bit of a shock to my body!)
When I feel ill and not quite myself, I tend to feel quite low. Negative thoughts go over and over in my head. One of the big negative thoughts that I get is ‘Am I a failure?’ I know that sounds quite … deep? But it’s what I think. I think I’m failing in keeping up with that strong persona of mine.
I know I’m a strong person, I’ve had to be throughout my life really. But there are moments where I feel weak. Like, I can’t fight the battle I am facing. I feel like giving up. I feel like loosing the battle is the only thing I can do. I haven’t got the energy to fight this illness or whatever.
It does also make me wonder how I’m going to cope in the future. If I’m having these thoughts now, if I’m struggling now, I wonder wether I’ll be able to adapt to changes coming to me in my life. Because there is a lot of new developments on their way. Will I be able to keep strong whilst I adapt to these new things? I hope so.
Life is full of constant changes. There’s no way I can stop that. I think I’m still trying to adapt to the fact that I can do a hell of of a lot of things now. I’m not bed-bound all the time, I’m not seriously ill in a critical condition.
I have a job, I go out with friends, I’ve even started dating. There’s so many new, ‘normal’ (again… I don’t like the word normal but it’s the only word I can think of😂) , exciting changes going on. I’m slowly getting used to the fact that I am able to live a life now. I just wish I could adapt to these changes quicker….
Katie's Journey 